A friend of mine sent me this drawing.

After a very thorough thirty second examination, I have proclaimed it to be perfectly (and medically) accurate.

Men are funny creatures, aren’t they?

I’ve often thought it would be nice to have a little primer on men and their concept of romance. Therefore, I’ve put together this handy compendium. I suggest you read this with your beloved and discuss each of the listed Romance Rules. You two may not agree, but it might give you something to discuss while in the car on the way home from seeing your mother-in-law (other than who didn’t like the spinach casserole and why it’s better at the dinner table not to mention Aunt Daisy and her propensity to pass gas and blame it on her parakeet.)

Men And Emotion (or Lack Thereof)

ROMANCE RULE #1: MEN AND WOMEN DO NOT EXPERIENCE ROMANTIC FEELINGS THE SAME WAY.

I know. It’s shocking, but true.

For example, take my ex-husband. Once upon a time, while struggling with the motivation for my first book, I explained to him the set up of a certain scene.

ME: I need your help in figuring out how my hero would react in a certain situation.

HIM: Ok. Shoot.

ME: Well, there’s this man and he has never failed in anything. EVER. He’s successful, famous, wealthy, powerful, and so forth. He has it all. Until he meets this woman. Then everything in his life seems to crumble. What would he be thinking?

HIM: Oh, that’s easy.

ME: Great!

HIM: He’d be thinking about sex.

ME: What?

HIM: He’d be thinking about sex.

ME: But . . . he’s lost EVERYTHING because of her. Still, he is incredibly attracted to her and can’t seem to just walk away. He is conflicted and confused, broke and humiliated. He’d have to be thinking about something other than sex.

HIM: Nope! He’d be thinking about sex.

ME: I don’t think you understand. His entire life he’s been held up to impossible standards set by his father, who never showed him any affection. He feels as if he HAS to succeed or he’ll fail as a man. What would he be thinking as he faces this enormous loss?

HIM: (purses his lips, considers this new information for all of, say, three seconds, then says) He’s still thinking about sex.

ME: (speaking very . . . slowly now) Maybe you didn’t understand that his mother died when he was a child and his father blamed him for it, which is why he has to do well in life or he’s going to feel like a failure. Then he meets this woman and everything starts to go to heck in a hand basket and—Look, he’d have to be at least feeling upset or angry or—

HIM: Yes! (looking pleased) That’s WHY he’d be thinking about sex! He’s angry and upset, but deep down, he knows sex would solve everything.

ME: (looking at him for a long, looong moment) It would?

HIM: (some of his glow fading a little). Ah. Yes. I mean, it would for me. I can’t speak for him, of course.

ME: Of course. So tell me, what are YOU thinking about right now?

HIM: (backing toward the garage door and the relative safety of his John Deere mower.) Uhm, what do you mean by “right now.”

ME: I mean right now, this very instant. What are you thinking about?

HIM: Right now?

ME: Right now.

Him: (looking hopeful) Sex?

As I said, take my ex-husband – please.

After this disturbing conversation, I called my girlfriend and gave her the same setup. She replied, “Oh, that’s easy! He’s conflicted and struggling deeply to understand where these feelings came from. He is probably angry at fate, but determined to rise again, yet irritated he’s going to have to do so. I daresay he’s also a little curious about why he feels such a powerful attraction to this woman and is determined to discover why he does.”

I said, “THAT was the answer I expected!”

Expected. But didn’t get.

The truth is, my ex-husband was probably right. Had he been the actual hero in that novel, he would have been thinking about sex. But then, he’s not really hero material which is why he is an EX-husband.

If romance novels were written by men like my husband then you wouldn’t have 384 pages of dialogue, relationship building, and character growth exemplified by two well written and tasteful (though erotic) sex scenes. Instead, there would be 384 pages of sex scenes punctuated by short conversations wherein the main characters pause to order a pizza, grab a beer from the fridge, or get up to let in another cheerleader.

Let us take a moment to thank the Stars Above that there are so many GOOD romance novels out there written by sexy, intelligent, capable women who have FOUND good men and now know how to write terrific heroes!

Men and Presents (or lack thereof)

RULE #2: A PRESENT THAT CHOPS, BAKES, OR CLEANS IS NOT A PRESENT, BUT A NECESSITY. UNLESS YOU’RE A MAN AND THE OBJECT HAS A LOT OF BUTTONS AND SWITCHES.

I have a new guy in my life – well, we’re celebrating our two year anniversary in December, so he’s not NEW-new, but he still FEELS new, so I’ll call him that.

Much to my hunky new man-friend’s delight, I am not a big Valentine’s Day person. Anyone who demands presents on prescribed days of the year in order to support the lagging gift card industry needs counseling.

I want the spontaneous.

The freely given.

The “I was thinking about you” sort of presents.

I’ve seen women who demanded a certain level and style of present on their birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries, etc, and who will accuse their beloveds of “blowing them off” if they don’t produce the required prerequisites on these days. Ladies, get a grip. Gifts that are demanded are not longer gifts; they are tolls.

Personally, I don’t want to work that hard for what I get.

I do, however, have a Present Rule. For me it’s all about the quality, not the timing. If it bakes, cleans, or washes, it’s not a present, but an appliance. I can buy my own appliances, thankyouverymuch.

I have a friend whose husband bought her a gift for Christmas last year. Every day leading up to the Christmas Day, he gave her an auxiliary gift.

First it was a cookbook.

I was immediately suspicious.

Next was a spatula . . .

I began to look alarmed every time she spoke about Christmas.

Then a glass microwave casserole bowl . . .

I would have been saying things to my significant other like, “Gee! A spatula. How very unpresentlike. Are you taking me to Tuscany where a chef will be using this spatula while I lay in the sun, watching him work his magic?”

But no. My friend had to be NICE by ignoring the signs and hoping (and probably praying) for a Real Present. She just told me she was CERTAIN it was something romantic and that I was reading too much into his pre-gifts.

Uh huh.

Next came a potato masher, a microwavable bacon platter, and a packet of microwavable pasta . . .

By the time she got the pasta, her smile was looking a bit manic. She kept HOPING she was wrong, that he would get her something better than an appliance. Hope was all she had by the time Christmas rolled around.

On Christmas Day, she opened her present and found – a microwave oven.

She was SO disappointed that, to her husband’s shock and chagrin, she burst into tears and ran from the room sobbing.

Now please realize that my friend’s husband was not a thoughtless cad. To a guy, the gift had all of the earmarks of A Great Gift – it was useful, it had a motor, and it possessed a huge number of knobs and buttons and switches. He would have been delighted to have gotten a John Deere power mower for Christmas, or a table saw, depending on your budget.

Men and women see presents, and romance, differently. To most guys, a 1400cc lawn mower is a heck of a romantic gift. It makes their souls sing. Gives them hours of pleasure. Makes them grin tip to toe.

But for most women, an appliance is unacceptable as a gift. An appliance is something necessary – like going to the dentist or bleaching your whites – while gifts should be Extra Things that make us feel special and prettify our lives.

In my opinion, it’s a good idea to have The Great Present Discussion right at the beginning of every relationship. I’ve been fortunate in that my uber sexy guy-friend has gotten very good at the present thing – over the last year and a half of our relationship he’s given me flowers, jewelry, lingerie, and even taken me on surprise trips.

This last year, he’s gotten very good at giving presents on days like, oh . . . “it’s Thursday and I thought you deserved a card saying how sexy I think you are.” Or ‘because I haven’t gotten you flowers for a while and I know how you enjoy them.’ Or just “I saw this beautiful necklace and it made me think of you.”

Sisters, THAT’S a sexy man!

Men and Housework, or Why It’s Ok Not to Change the Litter Box Until Someone Passes Out From The Fumes

ROMANCE RULE #3: THE MUNDANE WILL BURY A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP UNLESS YOU AND YOUR BELOVED DEVELOP THE AGILITY OF A YOGA MEISTER.

A friend of mine had a boyfriend who hated to do the dishes. One day, he was at her house and he suggested (quite seriously) that they throw away all of the dishes and just buy paper plates. She couldn‘t believe he’d rather not own any dishes at all – especially her $500 a place setting china – rather than wash them, but he was completely serious.

Women, it’s time for a little truth. You know the beard whiskers on the sink? They don’t bother him.

Neither does using a dirty towel for fifteen days straight, or never washing the sheets unless someone gets cookie crumbs in them.

They.

Just.

Don’t.

Care.

I’ve learned a lot of things in my life, but you cannot MAKE someone care for something or someone. They either do. Or they don’t.

My sexy man-friend and I have an agreement . . . whoever has the time, does the work. Thus if I have a light week, I do the dishes and laundry. If he has a light week, he does them. The rest of it we split.

Works for us. However, I’ve had to realize that his idea of doing the dishes is a little different from mine. He doesn’t think it’s important to line the forks in the same direction (I know, I know. I’m strange that way.) And my idea of cleaning the bathroom is more intensive than his and leaves him scratching his head and wondering if perhaps counseling is in order.

You have to understand each other’s boundaries and know when to give and when to stand firm. But usually a good conversation, acceptance of each other’s limitations, and the realization that Perfect is neither a place nor a level of happiness that can be attained in this lifetime, has helped us find Housework Nirvana, which is a pretty good place to be, especially when compared to “You Do It!” Hell.

Men and Romantic Gestures (or I’d Let You Climb Into My Window By Holding Onto My Long Hair, But I Think It Would Hurt)

ROMANCE RULE #4: IT REALLY IS ALL ABOUT THE SIZE.

My sexy man-friend has this habit of looking at me. I’ll be sitting there, thinking about how much chicken is in the freezer and if it would make a good potpie and if we should have his mother and father over for dinner sometime soon, and I’ll catch him looking at me.

Just . . . looking.

At first, it made me very uneasy. I’d wonder if I had ketchup on my chin or if I’d forgotten to wax half of my upper lip. “What’s wrong?” I’d ask as I was scrubbing my chin with the closest napkin and hoping it wasn’t the waxing thing.

He’d grin and say, “Nothing. I’m just looking at you.”

I’d stare back suspiciously. “Why?”

“Karen, I like to look at you. You’re beautiful.”

I just melted. Now I love it when I catch him staring at me and when I do, we smile at one another and share A Moment.

I love the grand gestures in romance books. Who wouldn’t want a man to declare his passion for you in the middle of a ballroom, or sweep us up on a magnificent stallion and ride away to a romantic castle in the forest?

But in real life, those gestures are difficult to orchestrate, tiring, and may requite a change of clothing at an inconvenient time. I mean, some horses are smelly. And being dragged across a saddle spells “B-R-U-I-S-E-S” for the majority of us.

Real life needs something more than play-acting. For me, it’s the little romantic gestures – when they pull up your hand and kiss your fingers while you’re walking through the mall. Or how they whistle, long and low, when you come into the room wearing a sexy outfit. Or they show up with flowers and a bottle of wine when something good (or difficult) happens. Or the pride they take in buying a book they know you’ve been dying to read even if it’s one they’d never in a million years want to even look at.

THAT is romance.

I try to do the same thing for my guy-friend, too. I compliment him when he looks especially good. Attend all of his soccer meets that I can and marvel at his ability to recite the funniest lines of every movie he’s ever seen. I keep a stash of his favorite beer in the fridge for those hard days when he just wants to unwind. And I always buy him subscriptions to his favorite magazines.

Small things, all. But they’re big when you take them all together.

That’s where I think men and woman come together – over the little things, the little gestures, the little presents, the little glances and looks. Because you know what? If you add enough little together, all those little things are pretty big.

And as far as I’m concerned, “Big” is what it’s all about!

Now you have a true romance writer’s take on men and women! I hope you enjoyed my Romance Rules and will take some time to make some of your own. Life is too short to stumble though. It’s better to have a plan, a map, a GPS, and a heck of a good sense of humor!